By MANMEET KAUR 



This fear of losing oneself has become an excuse for not getting married today. The pull between the desire to love and be loved and the desire to be free is then as fierce as ever.

Our grandmothers made the mistake of surrendering too much of themselves for others. They committed themselves to marriage very early in life and later felt imprisoned by their lifelong domesticity. Life offered little choice for them. They chose their husbands in the manner in which we might choose our first car. First, there was a scheduled viewing, a quick look at the interior, a glance at the exterior, a nervous intake of breath as the terms and conditions are read and finally the signing of documents. If you didn’t sign you entertained a few more prospects until you found THE ONE. Whether you accepted or rejected, you didn’t dawdle.

Today, it can be said that we lead lives that are exactly the opposite of our grandmothers’. A recent survey by the National Population and Family Development Board (LPPKN) on population trends between 2000 and 2007 revealed that more and more Malaysian women are now marrying later, or not at all.

The average age at first marriage for women rose from 22.0 years respectively in 1970 to 25.1 years in 2000. Meanwhile, the number of those who had never been married between the ages of 25 and 29 years had more than doubled for women from 13% to 29.8%. The survey also indicated that the average marrying age of Malaysians would increase to 33 years by 2015.

While certain individuals implied “choosiness” and “over-ambition” among single women as the root of the “problem”, others do not believe that women are delaying marriage or opting out of marriage on purpose.

Consultant psychologist Valerie Jacques when interviewed by The Star thinks that most people are busy focusing on a career, which leaves them very little time for building relationships.

“With little time to build a relationship and share, people are not certain about their family life. So family life and marriage end up being something in the mind or at the back of the mind as the worklife balance is affected,” she says, adding that marriage decisions and relationships take a longer time to develop.

Counselling lecturer Assoc Prof Dr Saedah Abdul Ghani of Universiti Sains Islam Malaysia told The Star that the higher ratio of women than men getting university education (an average of 65:35) is making it hard for women to find someone who is compatible with them.

The situation causes unwillingness among women to marry down or for men to marry up, says Assoc Prof Dr Rumaya Juhari of the Department of Human Development and Family Studies, Universiti Putra Malaysia.

“For women, marrying someone with a lower social economic status is not appealing enough, while men fear losing the title ‘King of the household’ due to social stigma,” she said.

In short, it can be said that if previous generations of women were raised to believe that they could only realize themselves within the roles of wife and mother, now the opposite is thought true. While having a husband and children were central to a woman’s identity in the past, today they are seen as accessories that women attach only after they have achieved their high-flying careers.

These days, women are of the belief that they are only able to realize their full potential and worth as human beings outside of marriage. Hence, a 20-year-old bride is considered as pitiable as a 30-year-old spinster used to be.

Does this mean that the young ladies today are plain materialistic?

Although this statement may ring true for some, I believe that women today are not materialistic but accustomed to certain comforts and strive to continue being able to enjoy the little luxuries in life. That being said, most working women can afford their own materialism - if we want a pair of Christian Louboutins or the latest Chanel handbag, we’re just going to pay for it out of our own pocket. We are no longer forced to be dependent on men. We reap what we sow. We work hard and gain freedom through financial independence.

Reasons For Not Marrying	Percentage
	Peninsular Malaysia	Sabah	Sarawak
Financial Problems	14.0	7.0	4.2
No Suitable Candidate	40.0	38.0	49.3
Career Advancement	8.4	14.0	7.6
Family Commitments	7.2	11.0	9.0
Enjoying single life	8.4	9.0	8.3
Fear of Commitment	2.8	10.0	9.0
Age	3.6	2.0	4.9
Health Problems	1.6	2.0	2.1
*Others	14.0	7.0	5.6
* Includes still studying, long distance relationship, not ready    Source: LPPKN